Today has just been one of the hard days internally, and that’s okay. There are hard days, and there are beautiful people who make me laugh and give me hugs and rejoice in life for me when I forget to. Life is a great thing. Wow, it is.
And I know it’s probably really cheesy… but I randomly looked this song up yesterday.
I remembered hearing it on one of those cd sample machines in Target when I was a lot younger, and finally decided to see if it was as warming as I remembered. Normally I hear a song from childhood and find I got the melody and lyrics almost completely wrong, but this song? I remembered. I only heard it once in passing, and I remembered.
“Lalala la lala/ it’s a beautiful world/ we’re all here/”
I’ve never stopped singing this one line to myself when I feel joy or when I want joy; that one moment in Target, of pushing a music sample on a machine no one ever uses, mattered. And it makes me think that all these little things I’m living in– laughter, hugs, games of Frisbee, art projects, study groups, afternoon hikes, singing often– they matter. They’ll stick. They’ll be with me for a long time.
I don’t know what’s in tomorrow. I thought I knew what was going to be in today and I was wrong. But I once heard someone say, “The best things in life are unexpected, because there were no expectations.” I think about that a lot. And maybe instead of placing hope in what I want to happen or who I want to be with or what I want to feel or where I want to go… maybe I should just remember that He is my hope, and I have Him, and I’ll never lose Him. And maybe I should keep singing:
“Lalala la lala/ it’s a beautiful world/ we’re all here/”
I have such beautiful people in my life. I just want to talk about them all the time. They remind me who I am, that it’s okay to be her– that it’s wondrous to be her, actually. They pray with me and for me, and help me hear His voice. I used to think that I didn’t need people; that if I had Jesus I didn’t need to talk to others about my heart or rely on them for anything. But I do. He’s here with us; He’s the reason we’re together. He teaches me about His love by teaching me that I can be loved by people I think are amazing. It’s hard for me to truly believe, down in my soul, in the love that exists for me. But it was harder before I had these people. And that is something I never knew I’d be able to say.
Today… today, I don’t need to know where I’m going. I don’t need to have it all together and I don’t need to impress anyone with how okay I am emotionally. I’m a bit sad today. But I was with some beautiful people today, and they lifted me up and just existed with me and treated me like Tessa.
“Lalala la lala/ it’s a beautiful world/ we’re all here/”
Tomorrow… tomorrow, I don’t need to be afraid of how I look to other people or how they feel about me. I don’t need to do anything out of character or have excellent answers to anyone’s questions. I don’t need to be an amazingly productive person who gets everything done quickly and easily. I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow or what will happen; anything can come for me. Pain? Joy? I truly don’t know. But this I know:
“Lalala la lala/ it’s a beautiful world/ we’re all here/”
I am loved. This world is beautiful and I get to be in it with people I couldn’t dream I would have in my life. I never expected them, but now I feel the weight of my deep love for them in my chest. And being present in this world with them, living in it and riding the wind through it together, I am finding my heart softening. And spending time with Jesus– just being with Him as I drive to school and work on homework and paint and write– that’s when I know I’m okay. He never fails to make me carry faith in how safe I am with Him.
The past few days… I’ve dared to hope that my soul is learning to believe in how loved she really is.
“Your winter skin/ warming in the summer sun/ we know within/ you will stay forever young/ you fell asleep under the/ starlit sea/ it’s time to wake up, the moon is high above you/ we’re all here ’cause we love you/ and when you finally open your eyes and ears/ you’ll see and you’ll hear us sing// Lalala la lala/ it’s a beautiful world/ we’re all here/”
Tessa Maye 