Everything is growing right now, including us, and I love to see it. There might be a few growing pains that come with it, but when we push through those, we are met with such reward on the other side. Praying for a taste of those rewards, in your life and in mine.
Here are a few things I met with on my walk this month.
Music
“Timeless” by James Blake. Makes me feel like I’m in wonderland.
“Memorized” by Mat Kearney featuring RAC. It’s on the playlist at our cafe. Dance party every time it comes on.
“Clarity”“I Ain’t Done” and “None of My Business” by Andy Mineo. I’ve been slow to digest his most recent work, but it is solid. The lyrics, the beats– two thumbs up. I listen to rap the most when I need a confidence boost or to let out some energy, and Andy is one of my favorites for that.
“Love Came Down” by Brian Johnson. One of my piano practice pieces. So special.
“Dragons” by Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors ft. The Lone Bellows. Soft Johnny Cash vibes. “Stop spending all your money on forgiveness of sins.”
Scott Mulvahill’s version of “Homeless” featuring Alanna Boudreau. I listen to Scott’s album all the time; it’s one of those that you find more and more layers to love as you sit with it.
“Lover, You Should’ve Come Over” by Jeff Buckley. I discovered it because Madison Cunningham beautifully covered it, and wow– the soul and emotion in this thunderously gentle ballad is completely entrancing. I can’t stop listening.
“Supply and Demand” by Wilder Woods. Bear Rinehart of NEEDTOBREATHE is putting out a solo project, and if this song he’s released from it is any indication… it’s going to be way too good. My jaw dropped and I screeched in the parking lot the first listen.
If you want these songs all together in one playlist, I made it! I use it all year, so scroll to the bottom for the newest additions.
Movies/YouTube/TV
Avengers: Endgame. This film was everything and more. I’ve never sobbed so many times at a movie — happy, sad, and bittersweet; never cared this much for so many characters, for so long; rarely been so pleased and so satisfied with every twist and turn a story takes. I left the theater with few words, just warmth. And a lot of gratitude to everyone who put so much passion into delivering something so special. There is nothing like it.
Continued watching The Guardian. What a ride. One I’m not going to go on again, but still, love you, Simon Baker.
Napoleon Dynamite. I hadn’t seen the full thing, and the little bit I had seen was in middle school, so my mom and I spent our holiday afternoon on it. It’s dumb, but in a way that makes you chuckle at it and feel like you didn’t waste your time. So many great quotes. “Knock it off, Napoleon! Just make yourself a dang quesa-dilluh!”
Worst Cooks in America: Celebrity Edition. For the lolz. And oh boy are there lolz.
Books/Blogs/Articles
“Chris Rice on Walking Away from The Spotlight — And His Sneak Return” on Billboard. He has taught me so much over the years through what he’s shared, and reading his approach to sharing now is another layer of inspiration for this fellow gentle creative. He always gets my big thank you.
I’m currently reading a few books, albeit at a slow pace; you can keep up with me on Goodreads if you want “play-by-play” updates.
Also Worth Mentioning
Lucy Boynton’s Met Gala look. The fairy queen I dream of being. I also loved Saoirse Ronan, Gemma Chan, and Zendaya.
The Huji Cam app. I took a Huji a day this month, and it reminded me how much I like taking pictures. Huji brings a bit of almost reckless freedom to it, because the photos aren’t going to come out perfectly; they’ll have little quirks, and you expect it, so you just enjoy what they end up being. That’s a sweet thing to cultivate an appreciation for.
The AllTrails app. I downloaded it because my mom and I wanted to find a specific trail for our long-weekend hike, and I spent the rest of the week writing reviews of every hike I can remember going on. You can see what’s near you, read reviews, check the conditions, get directions, make lists of hikes you want to try… so fun!
So many changes this month. They’re good changes, but they’ve still kind of knocked me off balance. Here are a few things that steadied me a little and brought me some joy.
Music
“God Only Knows” by For King and Country. I don’t know what about this song encourages me so much, but I’m often brought to tears by it. When I feel like I’m walking through life alone, being reminded that I am seen and fully understood and loved by the Lord lets me take a deep breath.
“Build My Life” by Pat Barrett. Sang way too loudly and passionately in the car. Beautiful words carried by a beautiful, heartfelt tune.
“Be Still and Know” by Steven Curtis Chapman ft. Caleb Chapman. The original was calming and comforting to me growing up, and this newer recording featuring his son has the same warmth with its own touch.
“2:20” by Colony House. [Speaking of Caleb Chapman,] These guys are my absolute favorites and I saw them live this month, which reminded me how good this song is. “How am I supposed to keep on standing tall, when everything around me falls apart? I walk the narrow, I walk the line right through the door, I walk the tightrope, but I’m just like I was before.”
“Stars” by Switchfoot. I saw them live, too, and they knock it out of the park every single time (this was my fifth, I think?). They’re legends, with so many good words and insane rock-n-roll sensibilities.
“Call My Name” by Kirsten Collins. Her range always kind of blows me back. Such a talented woman. Both the sound and the lyrics of this song are unusually infectious; it gets stuck in my head every time I listen. “You got me laughing at our side jokes; when we talk I never feel alone.”
“Radio Girl” by Taylor Mathews. I had randomly saved one of his songs to my Spotify and didn’t even remember doing so, but I rediscovered it and, dang, this album is great! Twenty-thirteen-era, singer-songwriter pop is a beloved genre for me and he nestles into it so well. This song in particular makes me want to dance every time. And it’s been on repeat, so a lot of dancing is happening.
“Caroline” by Briston Maroney. A reminder that 1) all good things in life take a little time, and 2) sweet ballads can also have guitar solos and it works. “Change is hard, but it’s gonna take you far. Pick up your guitar and tell me why it’s so frustrating.”
“Wallpaper” by Spencer Sutherland. Spencer is my guilty pleasure music. Such a talented vocalist with amazing sensibilities. “Yeah I had a bad dream about you last night, but I didn’t lose sleep, no, I slept a full night; you were passive and aggressive all at the same time, and you wonder why I’m red in the eyes.”
Kwassa’s “fka kyko” ep. He cannot put out a less than stellar song, it’s impossible. The low notes during the bridge in “woozy”? The drop in “better”? The consistent positive vibes? And of course the songs we already know and dance to on the reg? Love him forever.
“Fighting for The Wrong Side” by Scott Mulvahill. I’m always listening to Scott and this has always been my favorite song of his, but I’ve reached a point of processing things in my own life where I get it now. I feel what he’s saying, because it’s what I’m saying, too. He found the words and he offers them as a “me, too.” Thanks, Scott.
If you want a Spotify playlist of all of this music, I have it! I use it all year, so scroll to the bottom for the newest additions.
Movies/YouTube/TV
How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World. Did I expect to break down sobbing at the end? No. Did I break down sobbing at the end? Holy cow, yes. Such a beautiful, heartwarming, bittersweetly satisfying ending to a well-written, fun, unique trilogy of films.
I also watched How to Train Your Dragon 2 a week later because I realized I’d forgotten most of it. Also good.
Zachary Levi’s appearance on Good Mythical Morning. Three of my favorite dudes just making me laugh for fourteen minutes.
Continued watching The Guardian with my mom. It has gotten better; we’re almost done with season two. Most episode endings are not satisfying and they rarely revisit an arc, so from a writing standpoint I have some issues with it, but it’s engaging enough to keep me. And while most of the characters frustrate me, I also have soft spots for a lot of them. Except Lulu and Jake, we hate Lulu and Jake.
Castle in The Sky. Obsessed with the artwork and the sweet relationship between the two main characters. I also love stories/designs that mix ancient civilizations and architecture with major technological advancement, and this scratches that itch.
Books/Blogs/Articles
Think, Learn, Succeed by Dr. Caroline Leaf. Dr. Leaf is brilliant and shares some life changing concepts in this book. She has called it more of a textbook than anything else, and I think that’s the best way to approach it: take your time, study, make notes, and apply as you go. I’ve used her 21 Day Brain Detox in the past and can attest to the power behind what she shares, as a lot of the concepts behind that program are outlined in this book. Looking forward to seeing more results from the additional concepts as I work on implementing and understanding them. My issue with her books is consistently that she struggles to balance neuroscience jargon with layman’s terms; she either expects you to follow her complex explanations, or she simplifies so much that you can’t see a concept in what she’s saying. She’s a bit better about this in her verbal materials than in her writing, so I’d recommend watching the book club videos on her YouTube channel and/or tuning in to related episodes of her podcast in addition to reading the book.
Also Worth Mentioning
The Churchome app. I was skeptical about an app that wants to serve as a virtual church community, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised by it and the things it does– and doesn’t do. It doesn’t seek to be a replacement for the local church, rather it’s a resource and a way to connect with the global church. I especially like the “Pray” section where people can share prayer requests (anonymously, if they wish) and indicate that they’ve prayed for the requests of others. And the groups are a great idea and the “Daily Sparks” encouraging words are simple and sweet reminders.
Italian sodas. I was never that into them, but now I work at a café and I’m waking up to how refreshing fizzy water with a little fruity flavor can be.
Embossing. I embossed the cover on my journal after being inspired by Jenny Journals, and I love how it turned out. My mom already had an embosser she let me use, and I got my powders from Hobby Lobby (the pearlescent pink) and ButtonUpFindings (the metallic set– three for a dollar!).
Spring is so good for my soul. I never think the dark and the cold affects me too much, but then spring starts peeking out its head and my spirit immediately lifts. It also seems like my life starts showing growth when the earth does; winter was for waiting, and now spring is bringing proof that I was waiting for something. It still gets cold. But it gets brighter, too.
Here are a few things that accompanied me into the sunlight.
Music
“Sucker” by the Jonas Brothers. I can’t believe they’re back, and with such a jam! They were the one boy band I listened to growing up and I still think their old stuff is fantastic; it looks like they’ll only continue to be great together.
“Broke” by Samm Henshaw. I am never disappointed with a Dave Barnes song recommendation. The groove, his voice, the danceability? Yes.
“In The Waiting (Reimagined)” by Kina Grannis. This is my favorite song from Kina’s most recent album and I love this slightly more upbeat version of it, too.
“Hurt Me” by Lapsley. I’ve known this song for a few years and always loved the sound, but the lyrics just recently hit me, and now it all feels so empowering. “I’m counting down the seconds that we have, I can see the end in sight at last, so if you’re gonna hurt me, why don’t you hurt me a little bit more?”
“Elevate” by DJ Khalil ft. Denzel Curry, YBN Cordae, Swavay, and Trevor Rich. Because the Into The Spider-Verse soundtrack is too good.
“Change on The Rise” by Avi Kaplan. Grand, resounding, almost jaw-dropping. His vocals continually blow me away and I love the style he’s nestled into.
“Stupid Deep” by Jon Bellion. This song is unmatched. The lyrics and the production genuinely blow my mind. And the video is stunning, too, wow.
“Shake My Head” by Ivory Layne. I love the version she just did with Jon McLaughlin for his Dueling Pianos series, but any version of it is empowering and pumps me up.
If you want all of this music in a playlist, I’ve already got it on Spotify! I use it for the whole year so scroll to the bottom for the newest additions.
Movies/YouTube/TV
Various John Mulaney interviews. He’s been around for a long time but only recently has he shown up on my radar. I think he’s hilarious, yet with a genuine air, too. He also carries the vibe of someone from the 1950s and it’s so cute!
Captain Marvel. I’ve seen it twice, both times with many tears. It’s a Marvel movie and I love pretty much all of them, but one thing that stood out to strongly to me in this one was that Carol’s most celebrated superpower was her refusal to stay knocked down; her other powers were just an addition to that. There’s a wonderful amount of lady power in this movie, and it’s front and center but not defensive. So many fun characters, too. Yeah, just go see it.
DrawingWiffWaffle‘s videos. Her art style is so fun and unique, and she experiments with different things all the time so it’s fun to explore that with her. She also has a super sweet and laid-back personality, I just enjoy every video she puts out. And she posts so often, holy cow!
Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse. It came out on dvd so you know we had to watch it again. I love it so much. Miles and Peter are both absolutely precious.
Continued watching The Good Doctor. That season finale was so expectedly satisfying!
Also Worth Mentioning
The new posters for Avengers: Endgame. I would never get a tattoo (needles? commitment?), but after they released these I was asking friends, “What do you think is a good placement for the Avengers ‘A’?”
New sunglasses. They make me feel almost too good.
The newly introduced paninis at my favorite café. Delicious. I’ve tried all but one of them but just give it a few weeks. I’m an employee there now, so I can call it research, right?
What even was this month? January seems to take an eternity, then February takes about two seconds. At any rate, I enjoyed all two seconds of it. A lot of growth happened, and kind of unexpectedly. If you’ve been around for a while, you’ve heard me mention how time is a tough love friend but really does do the trick. I was saying that and believing it, but now I’m seeing it to be true. The growth and the healing are sinking in, and the only thing that really brought the change? Time. Give yourself some time, okay? You have been given the time you need. Rest in that, and let it happen.
Here are a few things I enjoyed with some of my time this month.
Music
“Feelings” by Lennon Stella. Her ep was one of my absolute favorites to come out last year and I still listen to it frequently. This song in particular felt so relevant to me this month. But definitely listen to the whole ep, front to back. The way she writes makes me feel both understood and empowered.
“The Donor Blues” by Shakey Graves. Such a good songwriter. “I sing sweet songs with the throat that belongs to her; she wears my heart and I wear her words.”
“Boyfriend” by Big Time Rush ft. Snoop Dogg. A classic that I still kind of can’t believe exists. Stuck in my head forever.
“Captured” by Isla Vista Worship. Good vibes, good words.
“Tell Your Heart to Beat Again” by Danny Gokey. I’ve known this song for a while, but sometimes the lyrics hit you at the right time, you know? “Let the shadows fall away, step into the light of day. Yesterday’s a closing door, you don’t live there anymore. Say goodbye to where you’ve been, and tell your heart to beat again.”
“Dirt” by Kimberly Knighton. I found her when she posted a Scott Mulvahill cover on Instagram. Her voice is beautiful and warm, and this original song of hers is so heartfelt. It somehow reminds me of the ZOEgirl ballads I listened to growing up.
“I Forgot You” by Phangs. One of the most hope-bringing, empowering songs I’ve heard.
“Stay Young” by Maisie Peters. The chorus is incredible and so, so catchy! I think we’re gonna hear a lot of good stuff from her.
“NONE Of This Has Been About You” by Spencer Sutherland. The lyrics were a weird form of closure for me; I knew someone who would have said those words if they’d known how to, and it was just nice to hear someone else express it and to know it’s a real feeling/thought process. Not to mention the chorus is impossible to not scream along with.
If you want all of this music in one place, I have a playlist! I’ll be using it all year so scroll to the bottom for the newest additions.
Movies/YouTube/TV
George of The Jungle. It’s been cracking me up since I was little and I don’t think it will ever stop.
The Grinch (2018). I know I’m a bit late, but my family didn’t see it while it was in theaters so we recently drank hot chocolate and watched it on dvd. I think the story fits well in the shorter format we’re used to, but they added some cute and sweet elements to this retelling so I didn’t feel it was a waste of time.
This video that had my brother and I laughing to the point of my throat hurting. “–stUCK ON A SIM’S HAND– wHILE dRIVNG a CAR”
Emily Wilson’s video about how to respond to ghosting. I started physically applauding during this video because everything she says is so right on.
Matthew Hussey explaining the right mindset for grief after a break up. There are three snippets from his speeches in this video and they’re all good, but the last one is huge and I wish I’d heard that wording earlier in my life.
Rosanna Pansino and Mike Lamond’s “Pancake Art Challenge.” I’m a sucker for pancake art videos. And these two are such a cute couple, I enjoy every video they put out together.
Continued watching The Good Doctor, Worst Cooks in America, and The Guardian.
Also Worth Mentioning
My local record store. I popped in to get an album for my mom because it wouldn’t have shipped in time for her birthday, and I could have spent a lot of time there. To quote the older woman in front of me in line: “We’ll come back to this hippie place sometime.” And to quote the other older woman with her: “You fit right in, you’re not fooling anyone, Joann.”
Flo. Is it weird to shout out my period-tracking app? I just really enjoying knowing all I can about what my body is doing and this app is fantastic, not just for making sure I’m regular but also for understanding any hormonal symptoms I experience. I’ve been learning so much!
My Infinity Gauntlet pin from Caped Justice Jewelry. If you’re in the market for nerdy enamel pins, this shop has a ton (plus other fun pieces) and the quality is excellent. I got mine for my work lanyard at the movie theater; it sparks little conversations quite often.
I am so grateful to be living in a new year! We definitely have many fresh starts throughout every year, but I don’t think the start of a new year is an arbitrary thing; I think being able to organize what happens in and around us with a timeline can be an empowering and healing practice. I innately remember specific dates for almost anything, so being able to live in a new January 24th and say to myself, “Last year on this day, I was unsure of how much I wanted what was in front of me. This year, I am sure of and nervous but excited about what I know I’m walking toward”– that’s huge. Here’s to more of those moments in 2019.
We’ve already gotten to enjoy so many great things this year; here are a few of my favorites.
Music
“One Thing” by Post Animal. I listened to their album front to back when it came out last spring, but somehow I’d forgotten about this stunner of a psychedelic track. Emotion-laced and nostalgic. I love it.
“Let It Happen” by Switchfoot. This track from their latest album reminds me of old school Switchfoot (and also of the Goo Goo Dolls a little bit?), and I’m blown back by it. Lyrically it hits deep, and the rock anthem they created to carry it is such a great vessel. “Tomorrow knows what tomorrow knows; you can’t make it get here sooner.” I’m still digesting the album as a whole.
“Indefensible” by Scott Mulvahill. His whole album, actually. I mentioned it a few months ago but he is just so talented at what he does and I just keep listening (and getting a teeeeny little crush).
Scott Mulvahill and Stephen Day’s YouTube cover of “How Sweet It Is.” Obsessed.
“May I Have This Dance” by Francis and The Lights ft. Chance The Rapper. Francis is one of my biggest musical inspirations at this stage of my life and this song will never stop being just incredible to me. The succinct lyrics, the gorgeously passionate feeling in it, Chance’s guest verses… ugh, so good. Francis is a master of intricate simplicity.
“Young” by Parachute. I listened to them quite a bit in high school so they always kind of bring me back, in a positive way. Loving this new one from them.
James Blake’s “Assume Form” album. Such brilliant songwriting, both lyrically and production-wise. He’s always been a unique voice and I’ve appreciated him for it, but this is another level; definitely my favorite thing he’s done. My favorites from it are the title track, “Can’t Believe The Way We Flow” and “I’ll Come Too.”
Ripp + Rice’s “Songs We Wrote on Tuesdays” album. Chris Rice is a foundational artist for me. I grew up listening to him, being comforted and stretched by his work, and inadvertently learning about songwriting from him. He hasn’t released new music since I was in middle school, so when I found out he was releasing a project with Andrew Ripp, I was thrilled. And when it came out, I found myself almost in tears upon hearing him again. He is just home to me; his sincerity– in his writing, in his voice, and even in the instrumentation– continues to astound, embrace, and inspire me. Thank you for coming back, Chris. I missed you. The album alternates his and Andrew’s songs. Obviously I love Chris’, and my favorites are “This Ain’t No Love Song”“Nothin’ Like This” and “Gorgeous” and “See You There.” From Andrew my favorites are “Let It Burn” and “Frontlines.”
“Blind” by PRETTYMUCH. These boys know how to make a jam. Still stuck in my head.
If you want all of this music in one place, I have a Spotify playlist! I’ll be using it for all of 2019. Pumped to see the shape it takes!
Movies/YouTube/TV
Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse. Such an enjoyable experience! The animation style is so unique and appealing (there are some awesome action shots that manage to be gorgeous somehow, too), the characters are diverse and interesting and fun to follow, the story is engaging, and I walked away just laughing at what a good time I had with it. I was happy with how they celebrated so many facets of Spider-Man’s world. Definitely go see it on the big screen if you can! [The epilepsy warnings are real.]
Coldplay: A Head Full of Dreams. I finally got to watch the Coldplay documentary! It was different from what I expected, but I loved what it turned out to be even more than I would have loved what I thought it was going to be. Following the journey of artists I’ve admired for a long time; seeing how they approached things from the beginning, and how it has evolved yet hasn’t quite changed; hearing about how they’ve managed to stay together for over twenty years even through disagreements and low points; discovering how true their team-mentality is and that they all are completely invested in what they’re saying to the world… I’m inspired and a little amazed.
Andy Serkis Breaks Down His Most Iconic Roles. He’s one of my favorite actors of all time; he’s genuinely played so many iconic roles, and because of performance capture technology and his mastery of it most people don’t even know it’s him. He’s humble about it, while also being passionate. What a man.
Ralph Breaks The Internet. I thought it was going to be cheesy and quickly date itself because of how rapidly internet culture moves from one thing to another, but it was actually a sweet story with legitimately funny jokes and fun adventures. I don’t think it will be outdated for a good while.
Mary Poppins Returns. Triumphant. Emily Blunt made me cry the second she came on screen, her voice is lovely, Lin-Manuel Miranda is a delight, it’s so colorful… yes.
Aquaman. I had low expectations, but it was surprisingly a really enjoyable film! The casting is great, the modern but fantasy-driven story is engaging, the water settings are pretty, and when it’s cheesy it’s on purpose. It’s in the running for the best DC film for me. I got a t-shirt the other day.
DrawingWiffWaffles creating her Spidersona. I’ve loved exploring #Spidersona on Twitter, and watching someone go through the process of designing theirs was really fun. Lately I’ve been getting into art channels on YouTube and letting them push me to just make stuff again. Cheyenne Barton (we all know I love her) recently did a sketchbook tour, and FurryLittlePeach is one of my favorites for stylistic creativity.
Worst Cooks in America. So dumb but makes me laugh so much!
Continued watching The Good Doctor and tearing up every week.
Books/Blogs/Articles
This article on why “We Can’t Keep Treating Anxiety from Complex Trauma The Same Way We Treat Generalized Anxiety.” I wasn’t aware that I’d experienced trauma until I was in my twenties, and I haven’t let myself take that very seriously until last year. I do have GAD, but exploring how that’s connected to trauma for me has been frightening and interesting work. This article points out a few things I’ve struggled to articulate, such as why grounding and mindfulness techniques aren’t always a good idea. It reminded me to be less harsh with myself.
Also Worth Mentioning
My sketchbook. I like having a purse-sized sketchbook I can take with me so I can brainstorm, practice, or squeeze in a little creative time whenever I have the impulse to. However, the one I’ve had for the last few years was advertised as mixed media but did not take to watercolors, which is my favorite medium and what I often use to color in my sketches. I recently found this one for super cheap, and so far I am so pleased with it! It takes watercolor very well, and it also lets me erase over and over again without rubbing off a layer of the paper. I colored in all my Inktober sketches recently, which was a blast to do.
The All About It podcast. A sweet, intelligent, witty couple just chatting about things for an hour? Yes, please. It makes cleaning my house way more enjoyable.
Banana bread. Easy to make, amazing to have with peanut butter for breakfast. I made two loaves within a week.
I normally write these lists at the end of the year to remind myself that life is vast and good things happen for me. I still am doing it for that reason– perspective– and I still believe in more good to come into my life and be long-lasting. I love this project and I love being alive, and all the potential everywhere for good.
I am also aware that this year, I lived some hopes, then got crushed. And it was really hard for me, and I kept going back and forth about whether I’d share this year because I am still speaking back to the discouragement it gave me. But I so believe, still, in a good that will come and stay. What is coming is even better than what is gone. So I’m sharing, and hoping you’ll be reminded of how vast life is, too.
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. I already have. This year, more than ever, I have felt so loved and supported by Him, and safe with Him, because I know He isn’t disguised good– He’s freaking good. I’m only going to see the truth of that more and more in the new year, and in the years to come.
Here are 85 ways I saw it this year:
Developing photos and scrapbooking them | Filling more journals
I managed to keep up a monthly scrapbooking habit all year and really enjoyed it. There weren’t always a ton of photos, but I would make a little list of what happened that month and decorate the page with any mementos I had, too, so usually it still turned out cute. I keep those monthly scrapbooks in my everyday journals; I’m on my third one for this year. I’m so, so grateful for journaling and the processing space it provides, as well as the important reminders it can give.
Reading more books | Reading more fairy tales
I did read a few great books (such as Boundaries and Between Heaven and The Real World), but I’ve also learned that it’s okay to not be filling my brain constantly. I honestly used to be a glutton for insight and would go to books looking for direction and specific ways to make specific choices, and it wasn’t healthy. Life is a little simpler than I thought, in a weird way. I’ll touch on that a bit later.
As for fairy tales, I found a vintage Beauty and The Beast picture book with the most interesting, almost psychedelic illustrations and really enjoyed it.
Going to more concerts | Meeting people I admire
I got to see Mat Kearney and Andrew Belle early in the year, two of my absolute favorites I was trilled to see not only touring together, but also coming to my hometown! They were both wonderful. Mat and I have the same hometown, and at one point he roasted every high school in the area; he was so fun and incredibly talented, an inspiring performer. Also, Tyler Burkham (of the original Audio Adrenaline, one of my favorites growing up!) was playing guitar in his band and I was starstruck.
I got to say hello to Andrew afterward, and I was such a dork about it but he was super kind; his performance was beautiful and his welcoming spirit was, too.
Other concerts I got to see this year– Rend Collective (always fun), Tedashii, tobyMac– were at a free festival in the park I went to with my mom. I attempted to go to a show that got cancelled, too, but let’s not dwell on that.
Holding babies | Watching fireworks
I got to hold a sweet and chatty baby at my family’s 4th of July barbeque this year.
Coloring with children
I do the scheduling for the preschool room at my church, so sometimes I have to fill in when no one else can. Do I like working with kids? No. But do I make friends with humans of all ages? Yes. And coloring with my four and five year old friends every once in a while doesn’t ruin my life.
Finding a job I enjoy | Getting better at projecting my voice | Having a great answer to the dreaded “what do you do?” question | Being able to pay for things | Having solid interactions with kind strangers | Becoming braver at making conversation | Feeling more skilled in things I feel like an amateur in
I lived at home unemployed for almost three years, because I thought God had asked me to. But after learning about His voice and His goodness, I realized He couldn’t have, not in the way I thought He had and not for the purpose I thought He’d shared with me. I still was a little scared and doubtful, but I started applying for jobs in February and asking Him to bless what would be good for me. I got hired at the local movie theater at the end of April. I was at the point where I would have worked nearly anywhere if they’d hire me, but I am so grateful that He blessed me with the movie theater. It has stretched me in so many ways and given me so many gifts. It changed my life, truly. I genuinely enjoy the work most of the time; interacting with customers is sometimes tough but often I just really like seeing the image of God in everyone. And I get to be around movies (and see them for free), and my managers are great people who actually care about me, and a good handful of my coworkers are fun to talk to. It’s a good job. It has made me more bold and well-rounded; I care less about how awkward I might be, and more about connecting with other people. God gives such good gifts.
And: I got a second job in July. Out of the blue (to me), my pastor asked if I’d consider interviewing to be his new secretary. So I did, just to see where it could go. Apparently he hadn’t been talking to anyone else; I was a specific choice, and I’ve been part of the team ever since. It is so fulfilling to be part of the work we do at this church. If you told me last year that I’d be a church secretary and love it, I’d think you were annoying and a liar. I didn’t think I’d return to institutional church period, let alone end up working at one and truly supporting (and being supported by) it. It’s wild. Having two jobs is tiring and not what I want long term, but the fact that I like both of them does not slip by me as a huge gift. I am so grateful that God is so good.
Owning my own car | Having confidence in going places on my own | Driving in tree-filled areas during the fall
I applied for jobs not knowing how I was going to get there. If I had to hitch rides, take the bus, use my first paychecks to simultaneously pay for rideshares and save for a car… I just had to start doing something. So when I got my job at the movie theater, told my dad about it, and he said they’d give me their car and get a different one, I was so grateful (and a little annoyed that this plan had never been communicated to me, but mostly grateful). I love my little 1990 Camry. I love the opportunities having it gives me, to try more things and to grow in my independence.
Getting better at painting | Setting up outside and painting | Having painting parties | Having craft days with friends | Making greeting cards for friends | Painting pumpkins
I don’t have as much time to paint as I used to, but I still feel like I’ve grown and found my style a little more this year. I favor watercolor because it has been my main medium for so long, but I’m starting to really enjoy acrylics and understand how they work. In this season of my life, the thing that gets me to paint is usually setting aside a specific time to do it with a friend. It’s so fun and gives me some breathing room, and even if I don’t have an idea it pushes me to come up with something. Shout out to Rachel and Sierra for the art days, and to my grandma for the paper flower crafting day.
Heather suggested my pumpkin design this year and it was so fun and turned out adorable!
And my Christmas cards were fun to letter and doodle; I’m obsessed with using white pen on dark backgrounds lately so I embraced that.
Writing lyrics | Writing about some of the big things | Finding new things to write about | Writing poems that express what I want them to
A few years strong on writing almost daily poems, and it is such a helpful practice for me. It lets me express and process, and it helps me stay creatively exercised. I would have honestly crumbled without it this year; it let me say things I was afraid to say to anyone else. Sometimes it ends up being a song instead, which always delights me; a few anthems came out of me this year. In the new year, I’d like to be more intentional and focused about songwriting. It’s the most exciting thing I get to do; it feels like I’m aligning with myself the most when I make music.
In terms of blogging, I’ve kind of learned that life is a bit better when I focus on believing the truth I know and when I am less of a symbolism-seeker. This space has become more of a check-in for me to share things I’ve learned more slowly and deeply, things I think are vital for others to carry with them, too. This year, I blogged about what I learned about God’s goodness and the nature of healing, and about the process of recovering from porn addiction.
Going on a road trip | Traveling to places different from where I live | Attending the weddings of dear friends | Exploring quirky shops
My cousin Jillian got married in Poulsbo, WA this year and my family spent a few days in town for the wedding. Their union is one of the loveliest I’ve witnessed. Getting to traverse the area a little was fun, too; I tried pickled herring at a euro pub, so there’s that.
I also got to attend the weddings of a few other sweet friends: Kaitlyn and Drew, and Carlie and Trey. I love these couples and the examples they’ve set for others.
Hiking a calm little forest trail | Sitting by the lake in the summer | Visiting the coast | Having bonfires with good people
One of the best days of the entire year. It was so dreamy and fun and I felt alive, not in an adrenaline junkie way but in a warm and content way. Sierra and Weston invited me to tag along on a coast trip with a few of his friends; we got along so well, laughing and sharing thoughts and dreams. We sand boarded, swam for probably a mile in a lake, hiked barefoot through an unmarked forest for over an hour because Weston swore the other lake was just through the trees, were wowed by a magical water lily cove on the other side, made s’mores on the beach… and it just felt like thriving. So grateful for the reminder that days like that exist.
Meeting people who will be significant in my life | Feeling noticed in the best way | Going on a date to the movies | Knowing someone is in love with me | Holding hands | Being half of an adorable couple
I did not expect to live these hopes this year, but I did. I went on a date (my first, actually) in the winter that didn’t go anywhere, which was sad but okay and taught me about how I want to approach dating. And then, at the end of the spring, I met someone. I hadn’t been looking for him, but he showed up and showed me love with candor, and time and time again the Lord assured me I could just be grateful for the gift of him (and of mutual feelings, which I’d always struggled to even understand the existence of before because I’d never experienced it) and take it moment by moment. It was a joy and taught me so much. We didn’t end up making it, and it was sudden and heartbreaking to end things. But with every month that passes, I am more assured that nothing about it was a mistake– not dating him, not breaking up, not even still being a little sad about it sometimes. I’m grateful for what we had, and grateful we ended it when we did. I know the Lord is still looking out for me, and working all things for my good. I’m where I’m supposed to be.
Holding adorable little animals
My pastor’s cat adopted me this year and I’m obsessed with her. I also got to visit my Uncle Terry and Aunt Maxine, and cuddle with their sweet dog.
Finding a true church home
This was another hope I didn’t expect to see, especially not at this point in time. I thought it would take years of searching and endurance. But at the end of last year, after spending a year without a church because I’d left a toxic one, I felt so alone. I rarely got to leave my house, so any interaction outside my family was rare. I didn’t want to go to church, not after I’d undone a lot of the negative work they’d been part of in me and I was now fighting to believe the real gospel truth about Jesus. But I needed a community.
The only church I was able to go to because of my transportation situation was down the street from my old one (which my family still attended). I was too afraid to go by myself, so my mom went with me. I observed everything cautiously and critically… and couldn’t really find a red flag. So I came back. And I kept coming back. And I joined a small group, and so did my mom. And now we’re both members, and I work there, and I’m still kind of amazed. Sometimes, we really have to seek the good; other times, God knows we’re too weary to go through that. Grateful that He knows me and seeks my good for me.
Seeing friendships grow deeper | Hugging people I love | Running into people randomly | Observing the quirks of others | Having conversations that make me laugh every time I remember them later| Seeing how people decorate their houses to suit their personalities
Most of the people closest to me are people I’ve kept close for a long time; when you find good ones, ones who are loving and loyal and present, you treasure them and you hang on to them. But I’ve also found some pretty special new people at my church and my jobs. I’ve always believed I could make friends with people across the board, but I’m finding how true that really is. I get to be part of lives from various walks and I love it. I’ve got some great people in my life; they’re the best part of it.
Seeing my best friend again and going on a random adventure with her
Going to a concert venue and seeing an “event cancelled” poster on the door is an adventure, all right. But we made it work; we always do. And while we’re 0/2 for going to concerts together (I know– how?!), to quote Sierra that night: “At least this time our lives are good.”
Learning an instrument | Being able to closely observe people play piano so I can learn chords better
I started taking piano lessons in November, the first since I was nine years old. I simply googled piano teachers in the area and started messaging the one I found. Now Nancy is such a treasure to me; she gets so excited for me and is personally invested in my growth so that I can pursue songwriting. I can’t wait for the day we get to put my words to music, or for the day I thank her in my album liner notes.
Seeing meaningful new movies | Watching movies with dear friends | Seeing new Pixar movies | Seeing my favorite actors in great new movies | Seeing new Marvel movies
Infinity War came out this year so that’s all I really need to say. That movie was groundbreakingly incredible. Ooh, but Mission Impossible: Fallout came out, too, and not only introduced me to the franchise (much too late), but also instantly became one of my favorite movies. And shout out to the spy movie night I got to have with Meigan and her parents (who will never stop bringing up the fact that I used to think they were spies, but that’s fine)!
Getting letters from people I love | Writing letters | Getting packages in the mail
I love it when a bit of joy comes right to my door.
Flying in a plane | Having tea parties
I visited my Aunt Cheri and Uncle Rob in Washington state this winter, which was cozy and lovely. We went to a bed and breakfast for high tea one day and had a great time together.
Discovering more musicians I’ll cherish | Growing more associations with albums and seasons of my life | Unexpectedly hearing songs that sweep me
I discovered just how much I adore Phil Collins, firstly. But newer artists I liked this year include Joseph Tilley, CASS, Lennon Stella, and Scott Mulvahill. Some amazing albums dropped this year, too, and I made this Twitter thread about them.
Wearing more pretty dresses | Wearing meaningful jewelry | Getting better at doing pretty eye makeup
I got a dress that looks like a picnic table cloth and I wore it to everything this year. In general, I started to look a little more like a grown up; people now guess I’m 19 instead of 17, so we’re getting there (I’m 24, y’all).
Having a smart phone | Getting a new camera
Again, I didn’t expect this to happen this year! But everyone in my house is working now, so we went in together on a family plan. It’s so helpful to have communication, maps, and a camera always handy. And my relationship with social media has definitely changed (I left Facebook this year), but I still generally have fun with it.
Owning a bunch of cute, special mugs amassed over the years
When my family puts the tea kettle on, they ask how much tea I want by naming the various mugs. “Do you want an Elvis amount of tea?”
Making food for people | Baking and decorating a lovely cake
Baking my favorite carrot cake recipe for Easter is something I’m fine turning into a tradition. I’ve also kind of perfected my tuna salad recipe and make it weekly at this point.
Watching sunrises and sunsets
On my drives home from work in the warmer months, I’d get on the freeway ramp and see the sunset and just say “thank you.”
Taking family car rides to the small town like we used to
I needed it that day. I wanted it, but didn’t ask for it, and I was heard anyway.
Having guidance for the next step
One of the biggest lessons of this year was that God does guide me, but often it’s through the sound mind and loving principles He’s given me. He lets me choose, supports me, protects me, assures me. For the most part, I’ve stopped being so desperate for insight, and instead try to focus on Him and honoring Him in whatever choices I face. We’ve complicated it, when He’s made it simple. I still forget that, and revert to my old patterns often. But now I know and aim for a truer, better way.
Having another birthday | Having friends over for holidays
I classically have made too big a deal out of my birthday and been disappointed by the fact that it’s a mostly ordinary day. The past few years, I’ve lowered my expectations. And not in a sad, defeated way, just in a way that lets me embrace whatever comes. And, in keeping with what I’ve learned this year, I also started putting forth efforts to make what I want to happen a reality. My birthday was a really fun day this year– I lettered a sign for the coffee shop in our church building, and I had Sierra over for tacos. Pro tip: don’t make pudding with coconut milk, it won’t work.
Having a cat that likes being a sweet companion
We’ve had Dusty since she was a kitten, and she’s fourteen now. She used to be mean and avoidant, but old age has softened her and she’s actually cuddly and somewhat friendly now! I love her to bits.
Drinking strawberry lemonade | Eating a doughnut
It’s the little things. Also, my brother works at Walmart now and he buys discount doughnuts to share sometimes, love him.
Celebrating graduations
Sierra graduated with her BA in history this year, and Abriannah graduated from high school! Love these warm, kind-hearted, powerful women I’m so grateful to call friends.
Redeeming old places with new memories
There are definitely times to leave old places in order to take care of yourself. There are also times you can’t leave yet, and you have to do your best to make it a livable place for now. I had to do a lot of the latter this year. And honestly, I killed it.
I started writing lists of things to look forward to when I felt like my life wasn’t going to have any of the things I hoped for. I wrote them so I could reframe my thoughts from depression to anticipation. I didn’t expect that when I started doing these yearly intakes, it would encourage me so much to see that I do live dreams and life is very much something I’m lucky and grateful to have. I’m going to keep writing them and going through them each year, and I so encourage you to do something like this if you also struggle to view your life as vast and promising. I’m proof it is. And I can tell you right now:
The month is over already and I am weirdly overwhelmed by how little it felt like I did in it; I actually did so much, at both of my jobs and with my loved ones. In the new year, I want to focus on not giving in to my newly discovered workaholic tendencies as much as I have been. I want to rest and to be diligent about remembering who I am and how simple things actually are.
That being said, I barely had time to enjoy art or media this month, but here’s what I made the time for:
Music
My Christmas playlist. All the time, pretty much exclusively. I used to be one of those “no Christmas music before or after December” people, but now I might keep listening just to have a little extra cheer during the winter; we’ll see.
“Love Has No Limits” by Fleurie. Dreamy and lovely (as to be expected from her), with a sweeping quality.
I’ve been keeping a playlist of my monthly music favorites all year, and it’s officially complete! I have it on Spotify and on YouTube if you want to listen in on the soundtrack to my 2018.
Movies/YouTube/TV
The Avengers: Endgame trailer. The amount of noises that came out of me when I first saw this is embarrassing but I’m not trying to hide it: I am so pumped for this movie.
Mission Impossible: Fallout. Possibly one of the best movies I’ve seen? It’s so cool and so pretty and the characters are so lovable.
My favorite Christmas movies. Jingle All The Way makes up half of my daily vocabulary, Santa Claus Is Coming to Town is 100% magic, and Eloise at Christmastime is an adorable little love story I also quote fairly often.
Countless Hallmark Christmas movies.
Venom. Weird, but also a funny and interesting take on a comic book movie. My family laughed at how much we enjoyed it. [a lot of language]
Literally nothing. My goal for the year was 25 books and obviously I did great: I read 7. My goal for the new year is going to be 10 (cue my mom’s laughter).
What fed you this month? This year? What would you recommend to me?
And: I got a second job in July. Out of the blue (to me), my pastor asked if I’d consider interviewing to be his new secretary. So I did, just to see where it could go. Apparently he hadn’t been talking to anyone else; I was a specific choice, and I’ve been part of the team ever since. It is so fulfilling to be part of the work we do at this church. If you told me last year that I’d be a church secretary and love it, I’d think you were annoying and a liar. I didn’t think I’d return to institutional church period, let alone end up working at one and truly supporting (and being supported by) it. It’s wild. Having two jobs is tiring and not what I want long term, but the fact that I like both of them does not slip by me as a huge gift. I am so grateful that God is so good.
