Do you remember a post of mine from last year about the 5:19 Photo Project? Probably not, so go ahead and read it here. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.
Done? Okay, so what do you think?
This is more of a reminder than anything, just trying to spread the word about this fun and refreshing experience you can have. I hope you consider doing it; I really look forward to my third year.
I know, that was really short and slightly boring, so I have this for you, too:
5 Tips/Ideas/Truths About The 5:19 Photo Project
If you don’t have a white dress, don’t think that disqualifies you. I only have one because it was from an old costume; I found it at a thrift store. You can wear white pants and a white shirt, and your pictures can still turn out great! If you don’t even have anything white that satisfies you, you can wear mostly-white or light-colored clothes, but the biggest thing to me is that you just wear what makes you happy. Have fun!
My pictures are girly because I myself am girly, but if you aren’t, your pictures shouldn’t be. They should be what YOU want them to be, a glimpse of you. Purity is the theme, and there are countless ways you can represent that. Get creative! There are so many possibilities, especially in the realm of props. If you like to read, use your Bible and other pretty books; if you’re a writer, use journals and signs with special words; if you like sports, make a banner that says “His banner over me is love”; if you like music, involve your instrument or some sheet music; the list goes on.
If you’re camera shy, you don’t have be in ANY of your pictures. Props, signs, and symbolic items can look awesome as well as provoke thoughts in the people you share them with.
You don’t have to share the pictures if you don’t want to. It’s all about your relationship with the Lord, and taking joy in it!
Waiting for your husband is one reason for this project, but the main one, the absolute most important, is being the joyfully loved bride of Jesus! Focus on Him and His love for you, not how you look or how well your pictures turn out. His love for you is real and surpasses anything you’ll ever know! That’s why you’re doing this project; it’s a worshipful response to Him, because you love Him back!
I hope you consider doing it. Not only is it fun, but we all need reminders of how dream-fulfilling this love is. Go rejoice in Him!
Last year, I told you about Acquire the Fire in a Years of Listening post because I didn’t want it to deserve its own. This year I didn’t even plan on going until I found out Disciple was going to be there. As the event approached, however, I began to soften. I knew my hostility toward Acquire the Fire was unreasonable and unfair; it wasn’t their fault that my brain was a mess and my emotions ran away from me. I had to remind myself that no one is responsible for my feelings but me. Others can trigger feelings in me, but my response is what matters; how I deal with them, if I take them to Jesus or not, is no fault of anyone’s but mine. That was a hard lesson that took months to learn, but I finally began to understand. That being said, my goal for my experience at Acquire the Fire this year was simply to have fun. I knew I was going to like the bands, and I was going with a great group of girls, so my plan was to just enjoy what came. I’ve come so far since last year, God has delivered me from so much, but I think I still carry the fear that any joy I find is temporary. I think I’m afraid to let Him really change me, so I settle for comfort. But, as we’ve discussed, that isn’t good enough anymore. I want change; I need it, too; I have to let Him work it in me. All of this to say: what happened to me at Acquire the Fire was completely unexpected. Oh, I had fun– with Jesus! And that’s something I haven’t been able to say in a long time.
I love Jesus. He is the very core of my life, my heart, my mind. But in our walk, I’ve been in a valley, climbing slowly but surely. If you’ve read Forgiven and Loved for a while, you’ve been with me on that climb– in the lowest points and in the meadows of hope. And so has He, even when I was blind. The past month or two, it’s felt as if I’m on level ground, not falling, not being lifted. And I’ve been content with that. Imagine how it felt to start worshiping Him like I forgot I could; how I felt when I remembered the realities of forgiveness; how excited I was to hear things in my spirit again! The promise is real: the desert is not my home! But I’m getting ahead of myself.
I embarked on the this adventure with Grandma Edie and my sisters from our monthly Bible study, and that really added to how much fun I had. These girls are not only hilarious and quirky, but their relationships with Jesus are real and mature, much more than with most girls our age, so it’s easy to be open and honest with them; I am so thankful for them!
The first night, I noticed two things: 1) The worship leader was handsome to the point of insanity, and 2) Although I “knew” every truth from the sermon, it felt like I was hearing them for the first time. I know that what I did yesterday doesn’t define me today, but when Pastor Kemtal Glasgow said that, I realized I wasn’t living like I believed it anymore. But perhaps the most surprising thing was that when I realized this and decided I wanted to change– I did. Right away. In worship, I closed my eyes and lifted up my cupped hands and just surrendered my heart right away. And I knew that I would make mistakes again; I knew that eventually I would open my eyes, see Mr. Worshipleaderman, and think of him instead of Jesus, and I did. But He had grace. Every time Mr. Worshipleaderman crossed my mind, I would close my eyes and genuinely surrender my heart, and He would take it and put a smile in its place. It was that easy, and I never would have thought that all this time conquering lust was as easy as that! I just asked Him to forgive me, to keep me about Him instead of anyone else, and He listened. This isn’t a new concept, isn’t revolutionary: it’s the gospel!
Have YOU forgotten the gospel?
I am constantly complicating my life. The answer, no matter the question, is always so simple, but every time I ”find” it I’m blown away! Like at Acquire the Fire when I knew I had to do something for those suffering in the world. I didn’t know what it would take, but I knew He wanted me to and so did I. But back home, getting a phone call about a possible missions trip? “Is this God’s will for me how am I ever going to pay for this I’ll never be able to go why did I sign up should I go somewhere else what can I do…” I let myself disguise things, trying to make them harder than they are. With this missions trip, I have to keep remembering that He is the way; He is the light on my path and He’ll take me where I need to be. What if I retold myself the gospel everyday? Because that’s the answer. Not some new philosophy, not some book or blog post written about it, not a step-by-step plan. What are you asking God today? Or, if you don’t know Him yet, what are you asking yourself or the world? The answer is in the gospel, right here in plain sight. I can’t tell you how many places I’ve looked for some joy, but where did I find it? Worshipfully focusing on Him in His presence. The gospel tells me that, that He is the wellspring of life. Why didn’t I listen? I also can’t tell you how long I’ve been trying to conquer lust, how many techniques I’ve tried, and what worked? Surrendering my heart to Jesus. The gospel tells me that, that He died for my sin so that I don’t have to live in it. How did I miss that? Person I love, if you find yourself seeking answers, look no further than Jesus. He is the gospel manifested. No matter what you’re stuck in, He can get you out. Take it from me, the unfeeling boy-watcher turned joyful bride of Christ. Is everything right with my life? Not in the slightest. Things piled up right after I got back from Acquire the Fire and it was hard. But am I okay? Yes. I’m better than okay. I FEEL! I Do you know how big that is? I feel that I am loved; I know I am.
The second night, me and my friend Angela were a couple of minutes late to worship (but we met Rapture Ruckus, no regrets!), so we had to stand a little to the side of the crowd. I was enjoying singing to Jesus, when I started to hear crying behind me. My heart immediately became heavy for this person. Minutes passed, and when I heard her cry out “PLEASE!” multiple times, I dropped to my knees, laid my hands on her, and prayed for her. I spent the rest of the worship service like that, crying and praying for the girl facedown on the ground. I knew where she was. It’s where I was a little over two years ago. When I touched her I immediately started sobbing, because I knew I could pray for her; I knew what she needed, because it was what I’d needed. And I heard what Jesus was saying to her then; I knew that He had said the same things to me, but I couldn’t hear them back then. He showed me just how much He delivered me when He sent me to that girl. Beautiful girl, if you’re out there: He’s already there. He is working on your heart. You will be okay. Anyone like her? You will be okay. How do I know? Because I’m okay. Because I spend time with Him and surrender to Him, because the living gospel is inside me, I’m more than okay. I am Forgiven and Loved.
I’ve been learning about temptation lately. It was the topic at Bible study last month and the tools I got there were too impactful to forget; I’ve been using them daily. What stuck out the most? These little notebooks we decorated and entitled “The Anatomy of Temptation.”
Grandma Edie (our leader/unofficial grandma/awesome lady) gave us the main points, and together we sort of brainstormed the various pages between, like a flip book. I would love to share it with you; it’s intense and eye-opening to me:
You have an unsatisfied hunger/longing in your heart. Acceptance. Being heard. Someone who cares. To feel loved. Value. Success. Anything, really…
The enemy sends you a temptation to fill that unmet need/want in the wrong way. He preys on your feelings. He loves to send you an ungodly guy [or girl] to confuse you, to make you think, “This is better than what I have.” He wants you to be all about the quick fix.
The enemy whispers that this will give you something you lack. He says, “This will ease the pain…”; he says, “This will solve your problems.”
You have no chance of resisting– without Christ. He knows what it’s like! He is the only one who can fully resist. He’ll help you! He will fulfill your desires in the best way– HIS way, in His perfect timing.
After I got home from Bible study the next day, I decided to create a second section in my notebook. I called it “Fighting Temptation”, and every night I would dedicate a page to record and comment on the temptations I faced during my day. I thought it was a great idea– until I actually started doing it and I had to own up to all the ugliness I faced every single day. It doesn’t give me a chance to even think I’m doing nothing wrong; I see daily that I need Jesus incredibly close to me, or else I’ll get stuck in something. I’m forced to analyze my thoughts and decisions. I see patterns in what tempts me the most. I see the things that are usually the reasons I give in. When I don’t want to write an entry, I know I’ve messed up. It holds me accountable. And you know what? I am so thankful for my little book.
Sometimes after I write the day’s entry, I look back at the first half of the book and review the anatomy of temptation; it reminds me that willingly giving in to temptation means I’m willingly obeying the enemy. That is TERRIFYING! Why would I ever want to do that when I am on the Lord’s side? If I’m His bride, how can I betray Him?
Last night my devotions were in Numbers 5. In verses 11-31 are instructions for Old Testament priests concerning adultery; they stuck out to me. You can read the whole thing if you want, but the gist? If a man suspected that his wife had cheated on him, he would take her to the priest. The priest, with a bowl of holy water and a little dust from the ground of the tabernacle, would lead the woman in an oath; this oath basically said that if she was faithful to her husband, she would be safe– but if she was not, the water would curse her with great stomach pains and barrenness. The priest then wrote the curse down, washed the ink away in the water, and had the woman drink it. Her deeds would soon be evident depending on the effect of the water. As I read these instructions, I heard: “Would you be willing to drink the water right now?”
Ouch.
If Jesus played by these rules, I would be cursed countless times. He is right to call me an unfaithful bride; He knows how easily I’m led astray from His heart. YET– everywhere in the Bible that mentions us as an unfaithful bride, the ending is always along the lines of, “I will love you despite that.” He doesn’t curse me; He purifies me, forgives me, leads me to the right path, STAYS WITH ME. And why would I devalue that in my heart? Why would I ever want to run from that? The next time I am tempted, by anything, I will ask myself: “Would you be willing to drink cursed water after this? Why do you want to leave Him who truly loves you?”
We run. But He runs, too, chasing us. We cannot escape His love.
I’ve always known; I’ve never doubted that He is the answer to every problem we can dream up. I’ve seen in my own life and heart the ways I would not be able to function or even live without Him. But as I’m growing up and having to put myself out there more, my spirit is just CRUSHED by what I see. Sometimes I think that I can’t obsess over how sick the world is because I can’t change it; but sometimes Jesus really gets ahold of me and gives just this PATHOS, this intense sorrow for where we are, and I believe that this is right for me to have. I believe it is good to feel sick to my stomach for those stuck in Satan’s ways. Things are not how they should be.
I am so close to crying right now; the tears are in my eyes and they only refuse to come out because I’m not the only person in the room. I’m listening to my playlist entitled “Comfort” because that’s exactly what I need.
This sense of the sickness around me has always existed, but it really began to stab at me a few months ago. I had just learned about the massacre of the Connecticut elementary school. The night before, I was joyful and worshipful, but after hearing the news I was living in shock. I couldn’t cry, never did; I was too angry. I didn’t know how to process it. I lived in depression for days, so much so that my mom was worried about me. One thing I knew in the midst of it all: I wanted no part of this world, not when this was what happened in it.
I did go on (with the help of Jesus and His book of Malachi), and the depression subsided, but I never forgot. I never lost the deep desire to have nothing to do with the world’s way of doing things; I dreaded tolerance. Jesus continued to convince me how dirty and ugly it is here. Has this ever happened to you?: You see a movie you enjoy, hear one of the actors is in another movie, look up the Plugged In review, and find EVIL, just DIRT? I have been horrified by these films that applaud, expose, even encourage things that we should never have to see or hear. What infuriates me the most is when these actors will call themselves Christians, and many believe them. Just because someone talks about modesty or positive body image we’ll hold them in high esteem– as they star in risqué movies? It doesn’t make one ounce of sense.
We see violence and suffering and immorality fictionalized in books and film so frequently that I think we become slightly numb; it doesn’t affect us nearly as much as I think it should. We think “It’s not that bad” and downplay it because we’re used to a pretend version. But never forget: this world is SICK. What’s in books and film isn’t created out of nothing! The world has grime seeping out of it, darkness in every corner, and the ideas for these things come from what the writers see in the world. I recently read “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”, a completely amazing classic about the suffering in slavery; it’s one of my favorites, read it, read it! There were so many heart-wrenching moments, but I tolerated it because I knew it was just a book. However, the final chapter was not part of the story; rather, it was an explanation from the author (Harriet Beecher Stowe) saying that almost every event in the story was based on different news stories of her day. It was all true. People I love, it’s all real.
Last week I felt physically sick because of a review I read; I laid in my bed, listened to Chris Rice (my “happy place” music), and poured over my Bible. Do you know how much I love the Lord? And how much He loves me? He always sends me not only comfort in times like this, but encouragement! He always says that it’s right for me to feel this way, because it’s an inkling of HIS broken heart. I have been begging Him to show me what I can do, how I can be used to act on my heartache and change things, and this week He has been sending me bits and pieces of my calling. He got me to look at Moses: when he saw injustice in the form of a man beating a slave, it struck him so deeply that he killed the slave-driver. By the time the Lord called Him from the burning bush, Moses was eighty years old and down on himself, but God still saw his passion for his suffering kinsman! God didn’t choose Moses because He needed him, but because he had the heart for it. He used this story to show me that although passion is good, rage and impatience are not. In His timing, with His plans, I can change the world someday; I can be used to fix a little of the brokenness. But it must be His idea, not mine.
And do you remember the part of the story where Moses and his brother Aaron were showing Pharaoh miracles? At first, Pharaoh’s magicians could recreate them, but even then they were obviously weaker (like Moses and Aaron’s snakes swallowing the others); soon the magicians couldn’t recreate them and had to admit that God had more power than they did. This story gave me the peace that God always reigns. Even when it seems like the forces of evil are stronger than ever before, He is stronger; He wins.
The thing He’s stressed to me the most about this? He is still King. He is still in control. He reigns. He doesn’t force anyone to do anything, but he is still their King. We willingly commit evil, but He takes it and changes its purpose to match His, like He did for Joseph when his brothers sold him. So many would have starved and died if Joseph wasn’t in power in Egypt. How did he get so powerful? He trusted and obeyed God no matter what. Why did he trust Him? He was put in prison on false charges and God was the only one who remembered him. How did he get arrested? By standing up for the Lord’s commands. Why was he even in Egypt in the first place? His brothers had sold him into slavery. Look at all these horrible things that were done to him! But that’s what the Lord used. He shows His power the most intensely when He turns evil deeds around. We can say to the world what Joseph said to his brothers: You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good. This is not the end. He always wins.
I’m still hurt by the world. But I’m still learning how to love the One who changes it. And He is so loving. He is the goodness here.
Are you like me? Do you feel unsettled when you see or hear of immorality or suffering? Do you spend days in mourning for all the sin and hatred you see? Take heart; I have overcome the world.
I don’t know what I want to do,
I never really did.
But the pressure’s pressing harder,
And it’s like my future ran and hid.
My notions never stick for long,
And all my plans get lost.
I want to run to Neverland,
But I already see how great the cost.
I have a passion for creative words,
For going beyond the surface.
But could I really make it on that?
I just can’t seem to find my purpose.
For now I try to love everyone I can,
Because that’s all I know how to do.
I wish I could run to Neverland,
But I know somewhere there’s a dream aching to come true.
I hold a vague but beautiful picture
Of what my life could be.
It’s full of real love and Jesus by my side,
And hope that goes beyond what I can see.
So maybe I should just trust in Him
And He’ll lead me to what’s right.
I don’t need Neverland–
My future’s already perfectly bright!
She cried and cried at the words she heard,
And how deeply they touched her.
Jesus came to save her soul,
And He’d be with her forever.
When stars seemed to fade and life seemed lost,
She remembered His beautiful love.
Then Hope returned and lit her up
When she thought of her future above.
For He told her from the beginning
Of the wonders she’d someday see.
She learned to wait with dreams and awe
Of the beauty that would someday be.
So now she goes on rejoicing
And waiting so lovingly
For the Lord to come back for His bride
And show her eternity.
I wrote this poem almost three years ago and was so wowed when I rediscovered it today. I don’t know what stirred me to write it, but at the time I didn’t even know who it was about; I was just writing the testimony of a blurry-faced girl. Reading it today, I see that Jesus inspired me to write this poem. He was giving me MY testimony with a glimpse of the future, and today He used it to wildly encourage me and remind me why I wait: our love is worth it. I look forward to fulfilling this poem/prophecy!
Yet another lovely visit to the coast last week made of family time, simple adventures to quiet towns, countless rounds of Catchphrase– and a redeemed faith.
Faith is hard. So many have told me that they see faith in me, that it’s one of my gifts, but I just can’t grasp it; I seem to only remember the moments where my faith has been lacking. Still, Jesus continues to whisper to me that yes, I have faith incredible enough to make the enemy hate me and try to steal it from me. He keeps telling me, Satan demanded to have you that he might sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. (Luke 22:31 & 32) The past little while has been one of those periods where Satan is trying so hard to steal me. He’s been planting thoughts that are NOT mine, wearying me, blatantly attacking me, and it all hurts. But I remember the promise. I remember that the hardship will end. I remember that He felt all this on the cross when He was tortured and killed for me. I remember that He said there is purpose behind the pain. Sometimes the promise looks cloudy through my eyes, but I always remember it, always see it and hope in it. During my little trip to the coast, I got a glimpse of all this through His eyes.
First entering the ocean, the waves are huge and the water constantly overwhelms you. As you get further in, however, the water is more steady, you aren’t as overwhelmed, and you’re growing accustomed to the waves. BUT– sometimes, when it’s stormy, waves will get bigger in the deeper water, too. Maybe my relationship with Jesus is like this.
Will you still think it’s beautiful when it’s raining? I heard this question so clearly in my spirit as we drove through the little town I’d loved so much on the way up. In the afternoon sunlight, it was wondrous. However, in the morning showers on the way home, it was dreary. Nothing about the town had changed, only my view of it. What I looked back on and wanted became less important to me when I got it back and it wasn’t the same. It made me wonder if I have the same blessings I’m wishing for, only they’re hidden by a little rain. Is He asking me to see past the rain and revel in what I dream?
A few glimpses out the window looked the same as glimpses I would have back home (like a front yard that looked like a friend’s house, and a roadside cross like one on our usual highway), but I WASN’T HOME. I was somewhere else. If I didn’t know better, I would have thought I was somewhere familiar. Sometimes this happens in life, too. Sometimes everything looks so similar, like I haven’t moved, but I could be miles from where I was! In my eyes, everything is okay, when really I am so far from where I should be; OR, everything seems wrong and unmoved, but really I am moving forward. I think the message was a little of both for me that day.
I had no clue how close we were to the ocean (we took a few days away from the coast during the trip), but when it was suddenly next to me I was WOWED. I heard, “I’m right here, I’m over the hill! I’m the purpose behind it! You might not see me now, but just wait until you get over your hill! Find me!” This spoke so deeply into me. It was another piece of the promise He gave me that said there was purpose behind the pain: it’s Him. HE is the purpose, and He is worth it all! Now I know what I’m fighting to find! It was also an answer to the prayer I’d been praying through “After the Storm” by Mumford & Sons.
This isn’t my typical story about the ocean, but it’s the loudest to me. My heart was given hope that cannot be stolen that day, and I am forever amazed by the mercy He showed me. I love you, Jesus.
Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair…
In the classic allegory The Pilgrim’s Progress by John Bunyan, we follow the life of Christian as he makes his long and difficult journey from the City of Destruction to the Celestial City. Allegorically, the story is about a follower of Jesus and their spiritual life. This connection allows the reader to enjoy a novel while they learn about themself and gain a bit of understanding.
Perhaps the most significant trial Christian faces on his quest is in the valleys: the Valley of Humiliation, and the Valley of the Shadow of Death.
As Christian enters the first valley, he fears for his life and wonders if he should turn back– until he remembers there is no armor on his back. His armor will only protect him if he continues to move forward. This is a hidden reminder for us: we are safe as long as we keep seeking Jesus and do not run farther away from Him.
Christian’s fear is not irrational, for when he is a little ways through the Valley of Humiliation he meets Apollyon, the evil ruler of the City of Destruction. Apollyon tries to convince Christian to turn back, but when Christian refuses, Apollyon begins to scream and yell and remind Christian of all the mistakes he’s made on his journey so far. A battle ensues, and while Apollyon wounds Christian many times, he can not kill him. Christian is finally able to use his sword and Scripture so that Apollyon flees from him. Christian then praises God because he is alive, and he is sent leaves from the tree of life which heal him immediately. We can remember this scene when we are being attacked by the enemy: he wants us to turn back. When we don’t, he discourages us and reminds us of all our failures. If we still stand firm, he will hurt us as much as he possibly can. However– he cannot destroy us. If we believe in and declare Scripture, he will leave us. Scripture wounds him. Keep praising God, and He will heal you.
Sadly, the pain is not over yet. There is still the Valley of the Shadow of Death, a worse place than the Valley of Humiliation, darker, narrower, close to hell, solitary; but Christian must walk through it, because the way to the Celestial City is through it. Christian continues to walk, but barely. He hears whispers of blasphemies, thinking they sprung from his own mind; he can’t sway to the right or left or he will fall; he can barely see. Christian has almost perished from sheer pain, when he hears the voice of another in the valley declaring a promise, Scripture. This voice is Christian’s encouragement, and he survives the valley. Looking at it from a distance after he clears it, he sees that his imagination had nothing to do with the danger: it was real, all of it. This is a place we will all walk, as well, if we do not turn back. We must walk through it, because Heaven is on the other side. It’s painful and dark, and it’s all dangerously real, but take comfort! You are not the only one to walk there. Claim Scripture and you will make it through the valley.
This experience, for Christian, was not simply necessary but faith-building. Whenever he endured more hardship on his journey, he would remember the valleys and say, “I survived that. Jesus kept me safe there. He’ll save me here, too.” The valley is a painful place we have no choice but to walk through, but we will survive and gain strength for the rest of our lives. Keep walking, keep declaring, keep hoping.
My adventure to Generation Unleashed in Portland, Oregon this weekend was just that: an adventure. I took promises with me on the way there, and I took even more back home.
At first it was hard. I wasn’t feeling what everyone else seemed to, which is normal for me, but this time I was just sick of it. I was furious and didn’t want advice or encouragement– I wanted CHANGE. In the midst of my rage, Jesus was beating my heart fiercely to go ask my youth pastor to pray for me. I obeyed, and AJ was so compassionate and gracious even though I was sour and angry; he spoke into my heart (although at the time I wasn’t hearing any of it) and did indeed pray for me. He showed me Jesus’ love even when I wasn’t receptive. A stranger did the same thing during worship, a beautiful girl my age who simply had me on her heart and asked if she could pray for me. Jesus was reaching out to my coldness right from the start, before I even realized it.
Worship was a mountain to climb. I realized how easy it is for me to forget that worship is about who He is, NOT how I feel. I had to re-learn how to really worship Him. My intention going into worship should not be to find comfort or be healed, but to thank Him for all I have and express how blown away I am by who He is. It’s not for me, it’s for Him. I took this note during Pastor Matt Bushard’s message:
He doesn’t just make you feel better– He changes your whole life. Comfort isn’t the point. The point is being MADE NEW, moving forward.
That was so powerful to me, cut right through me. I’ve been seeking comfort, not true change. In my darkest hours, when I’m begging Jesus to save me, I wake up feeling a little better and count that as healing. It isn’t! It’s comfort. Comfort is insanely good; Jesus wants to comfort me, and He does, but that isn’t His main concern. He doesn’t want to simply make me feel better and smooth over my problems. He wants to work a deep change in me and my situation. And that’s what I’ve really wanted all this time! He has been comforting me my whole life, but rarely do I let Him change me. I’ve focused too much on the message, not the Man, and therefore I have been unsatisfied, because only He satisfies. Change is what I need, and now I’m ready to let Him work in me.
I’ve been in this place of unfeeling and confusion for over two years, never sure what to think about it. So many have told me that this is the desert, but I wondered if this was just the way I was wired, a curse I had to live with. Recently I even considered seeing a counselor to better understand where I was inside. On Saturday, February 2nd, 2013, I received a promise, as well as the fulfillment of another. At first I thought I’d had a bittersweet weekend. I enjoyed being at the conference, everything about it, but I wished I’d been touched. I walked away with great notes and songs, but no healing like I wanted. Later in the day, I’d stewed over a few things: I think Jesus promised me that this is not my curse. I will be redeemed from this someday. I’m not eternally stuck where I am; He will save me and there is currently a purpose behind the pain. Pastor Dylan Jones had a sermon all about it that morning. I answered the altar call without hesitation. We kneeled at the front and Dylan prayed over us. As that was happening, I heard a girl crying; I looked and she was right next to me. I shifted until I was next to her and just put my hand on her shoulder-blade. It was strangely comforting to see so many of us, all in a storm, all seeking Him. I’m beginning to see how far I’ve come in this place; I’m remembering everything and seeing Him there now. I read the promises He gave me back then and how they’re all coming to pass. He is good; He has been loving me all this time. I need to remember all of this. Do you remember my Polar Express symbolism/promise a few weeks ago? You’ll never guess: it was true. I’m “rainboot boy”, and I received assurance that I’ll be okay AND the gift of not being alone. I’ll explain the 2nd part a little further: firstly, the altar call. Secondly, the day before this one on the trip, my youth group went to the mall for a few hours. I didn’t have a desire to shop and wasn’t connecting with anybody, so I sat at a table with a youth leader, Judy, and we both read and wrote. During that time I just had a deep desire to call my best friend, Sierra. I did, and left a voicemail. When I got home, I heard she’d called back, so I called HER back– and we talked for over half an hour, just sharing and encouraging and praying. She identified with many things I said and gave me such comfort. I was flabbergasted! I had kind and fun friends in my youth group, but none understood or went as deep with me as Sierra did.
Generation Unleashed was life-changer, as always. Thank you, Jesus. All your promises are sure.
Right when I saw it I was drawn to it. It looked like a little piece of Heaven. Plus, I’ve always wanted red hair, so I liked to imagine this picture was of me. I repinned it and enjoyed it.
Around the same time, I was doing a lot of searching inside my head, and it was a little confusing. I was asking for clarification about many of my feelings. I just wanted to be as pure as possible. Jesus has graciously shown me bit by bit the places I am impure, all of them in my thoughts and motives. I am especially hard on myself when it comes to thinking about my future husband. I try to pray for him, and I have a list of qualities I seek in him, but besides that I try to not dwell on him. I’m terribly obsessive; when I start dreaming about a husband I can’t think of anything else, and that’s not the life I want to live. I want to live NOW, not wait until I get married to start enjoying life and feeling significant. I want to know that I am whole because of Jesus inside me, not because of a ring on my finger. Maybe I sound extreme; maybe others aren’t extreme enough; I don’t know. I just want to be pure and live in the entirety of God’s will for me, and, for me at least, that means letting Him bring me and my husband together instead of doing all this wondering and searching. I forget this sometimes. Sometimes I remember the feeling I have when I see a man He has clearly told me I will not marry, and wonder what I have in my heart for him if not love. Sometimes I run into a sweet and handsome but very sarcastic man I don’t know too well, and I wonder how much is too much thinking about him. Sometimes I wonder why I am so blessed to have an abundance of godly men in my life– that aren’t for me. At the time I mentioned before, all these thoughts came at once and I could only pray, “Please, confirm that I’m doing the right thing! Teach me how to know the truth behind what I feel!”
Then… I found this:
My heart really did stop for a few seconds! This picture matched up with the one I’d connected to earlier and had a message for me! Not only did I read the book of Jude and get all kinds of encouragement, but I found such comfort just looking at the pictures side by side. Both the boy and the girl are backpacking and looking forward. Both are sizing up a snow-capped mountain, the SAME one, I like to think, ready to trek over it to get to each other. But the girl is in a sweet meadow, while the boy has a river to cross, a few mountains to climb. I think this meant to me that I’m in the right place, that I am being sought by someone committed.
Can you relate? Well, open up your heart: Jesus is sending love your way!
But you, beloved, building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life. -Jude 20 & 21
Do you remember a post of mine from last year about the 5:19 Photo Project? Probably not, so go ahead and read it here. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.
